Healthy Boundaries: When to Draw the Line

Do you find saying no to people so difficult? Do you do things you don’t really want just to keep the peace? Well, read on to know how to set and keep healthy boundaries for you and your sanity.

Importance of Setting Personal Boundaries

When we talk about personal boundaries, we’re talking about safe and reasonable limits we set for ourselves. They’re like “No Trespassing” signs that come with consequences if violated.

However, personal boundaries are not as clear-cut as these signs and usually take a little longer to set up especially emotional and intellectual boundaries.

When you haven’t defined your emotional and intellectual boundaries, it’s like being caught in the storm without so much as an umbrella. You become vulnerable to someone’s emotional chaos. Also, you can end up sacrificing what you want just to keep the peace.

That’s why you need to clearly set your personal boundaries. You need to have and maintain them so you can keep your self-respect and dignity, have time for positive interactions, and nourish healthy relationships. Plus, you’d be assertive in saying no and accepting nos from other people.

When the boundaries are blurred, it can cause stress and other problems. A 2020 study found that unclear work-life boundaries lead to negative work environment, poor sleep, and more stress.

Setting And Maintaining Your Boundaries

While there are many important types of boundaries, we’re focusing on five that are crucial for your peace of mind.

Before you set boundaries, you need to first assess the boundaries that you currently have or don’t have in your relationships— family, friends, work, and romantic relationships. Then after setting them, be firm and consistent. And remember, you don’t need to explain anything to other people.

This is about you taking care of yourself.

Physical Boundaries

When establishing physical boundaries, consider your personal space, your limits with touch, and your physical needs like rest, food, and drink.

You can lay down these healthy physical boundaries by saying:

• “I need to rest for a bit.”
• “I’m not comfortable being hugged so close.”
• “Let me drink first. I’m so thirsty.”
• “I’m allergic to eggs so I’m afraid I won’t be able to taste the dish you cooked.”
• “Please call before visiting my home.”

Time Boundaries

We all have limited time to do things so you need to protect how it’s used. Know your priorities so you’ll avoid overcommitments.

Healthy time boundaries can sound like:

•  “I can’t come to the party on Saturday.”
• “ I’d be happy to help you achieve your goal. My rate starts at….”
• “ As stated in the contract, work hours are from 9 to 5 pm. Please don’t contact me after work hours.”
• “ I can only stay for 30 minutes.”
• “I’d be free this Friday from 4 to 8 pm in case you want to meet up.”

Intellectual Boundaries

Intellectual boundaries include opinions, thoughts, and ideas. What’s important to keep these healthy are respect and the openness to discuss.

These healthy boundaries can be expressed by:

• “I know we don’t see eye to eye on this, but I won’t let you insult me like that.”
• “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
• “I don’t think now is a good time to talk about this. Perhaps we can schedule a meeting next week.”

Emotional Boundaries

Emotions are sacred. We need to respect our own as well as other people’s. When we put healthy emotional boundaries in place, we know how much emotional stuff we can share and take in.

Here are some statements you can use to make your emotional boundaries clear:

• “I’m so sorry you’re going through such a hard time. Right now though, I’m not in the headspace to take this all in. Please know that I care about you.”
• “When I tell you how I feel and you ignore me, I feel hurt. I can only share with you if you’re ready to listen.”

Material Boundaries

When it comes to material boundaries, it’s important to know which items and possessions you want to share and how they’re supposed to be treated by the people you share them with.

For instance, when someone visits, there might be only specific areas that they’re allowed access, such as the living room and dining room.

Some examples of setting healthy material boundaries can be:

• “We can’t lend you $1000. But we can lend $500.”
• “I can let you borrow my coat and tie but be sure to have it back asap. I’ll use it for a wedding this weekend”
• “ You can borrow my car today but I need it back by 8pm.”

Need More Help Setting Healthy Boundaries?

Sometimes, you can have difficulty setting boundaries because of personal trauma or core issues that need to be addressed. In this case, you might want to schedule an Integrative Life Coaching Session with Everybody in Mind Wellness Center Founder Carla Chalah.

She’ll work with you to address your boundary issues and rewire your thinking to enable you to set and maintain healthy boundaries.